Monday, November 12, 2012

PaleO Lord, Give Me Strength

I'm going Paleo. And you're gonna hate it.

Disclaimer: Remember when blogs used to be like journals? You made a blog and updated it, just for yourself, to document the mundane happenings of your life and give yourself something to look back on. Remember Xanga? Eesh. My mom still has my Xanga printed out in a folder somewhere.

Well, guess what? TravWise, the famous dormant blog of a struggling writer and SEO ranter, just got reassigned. Because I'm starting what I like to call "Travis's Campaign to Not Kill Himself." You can keep reading this if you want. I'm probably going to start ranking really well with hipsters and vegans, so if you're not interested, I won't be offended.

But seriously. Unless I write about this new campaign every day, I will not survive. I'm taking back my blog. I'm getting selfish. I have to. Please don't judge me.

Disclaimer over.

Did you know that five letter words starting with "P" and ending in "O" are automatically popular? Think about it. Every hip trend, viral movement, awesome travel location, and dangerous communicable disease is a five letter word like this: "P---O" For instance:

Plano, Popular Texas City

Plato, Smart Guy

Parvo, Dangerous Dog Disease (Ranking for dog lovers, check.)

You get the picture. So, when I stumbled across the word "Paleo," my internal P---O awareness meter started pinging.

"Oooh," I said. "A fad diet that must be cool because of its hip, roll-off-the-tongue name. Let me research this." I started reading blogs, like Mark's Daily Apple and The Paleo Diet. I kept reading. I stayed up until 2 in the morning reading. I gasped. I sighed. I rolled my eyes. And I realized one thing.

I'm going to die, like soon, if I don't start doing this immediately. Living in the South, I've become accustomed to a certain cuisine. Breakfast dishes like deep fried pork blitherings in oil-enriched gravy slop are quite common to this area. We're the ones who voted Paula Deen for President. We're the ones who ran Panera Bread out of the area. We're the ones who pick our churches based on the side dishes offered at a monthly fish fry.

We are the fat ones.

So, I'm starting the Paleo Diet. Correction: I'm starting Paleo Lifestyle: the caveman's legacy. The premise is simple: stop eating crap that the cavemen couldn't have eaten. If you keep eating the stuff you've always eaten, you will die. Hydrogenated, enriched, polyunsaturated bubbles of poison will inflate your intestines and melt your brain. It's happening all over the world to people like Lindsay Lohan and Dick Cheney.

I don't want to die. I want to be hot forever. I want artists to sculpt my body out of expensive slabs of marble. Mostly, though, I don't want to die. Yet.

So, Travis's Campaign to Not Kill Himself starts today. The wife, bless her everloving soul, is doing it with me. Score one for "misery loves company." Stay tuned for gobs of research supporting this lifestyle. In the near future, I will convert each and every one of you to my hippie-lifestyle.

That is, unless I grab a Twinkie in the next several hours. Then, all best are off. And I'll probably be dead.

Breakfast: None. Wasn't hungry. (WHAT? You skipped breakfast? You're dead. NOPE. Paleo people eat only when they're hungry. Sticks out tongue.)
Lunch: 4 boiled eggs. Raw broccoli and cherry tomatoes.
Energy level: Too soon to tell.
Craving: Chocolate chip cookies.